Meditation Journal - "Who am I" Sep 11

In yesterday's Mindfulness and Transformative Technologies class, I tried meditation for the first time.

The meditation is about 'who am I?'. When the meditation started, I closed my eyes, sat in a comfortable way and noticed my breath. I tired to feel relax, but I found my breath was quick and jumping. And I also felt a little bit sleepy. I thought it was because I hadn't got enough sleep for a while, since the new semester just began and I had a lot of things to do and prepare for.

Then I began to notice about my sensation, which was a bit anxious (although I didn't know why). Some thoughts appeared in my mind, like " I don't know what to do.", "Am I doing the right thing?" And also other thoughts jumped across my mind. I couldn't tell what exactly they were, but they made me confused.

And then I began to think about my current situation. I realized that I was in New York now, a very diverse, busy and crowed city where is far way from my hometown. I was anxious and afraid to be a new visitor here, but I also felt very excited about my brand new life here, which I'm sure would be totally different from my past 20 years in Shanghai.

I began to think about my new apartment in Jersey city. The beautiful view of the Hudson river and those high buildings in Manhattan came into my mind. I thought about the wind breezing every night when I open the window. And I began to think about my hometown, my apartment in Shanghai, my room, my family and my dog. A deep motion of homesickness hit me and let me down.

In the next step, I communicated with one of my classmate about who I am. I told her about my name, background, the sensation and thoughts I had, and also told her my stress and homesickness as an international student here. My partner also told me her thoughts, homesickness and expectation. At first, I found it was hard to look straight into someone's eyes and tell an almost stranger about myself. But as I spoke more, I began to feel relieved. It's also a nice experience to listen to someone else's experience, feeling and thoughts.

After that medication practice, I can't say I'm able to reduce my pressure to some extend, but I do feel I know more clearly about myself, my situation, what stresses me and what makes me feel anxious. And although worries still exist, I feel a bit more relax and confidence afterwards.

Written by Mengzhen Xiao

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